What is the Enneagram?
The Enneagram is hands-down the best tool for personal growth and development that I have ever encountered. It has helped me understand myself and it has greatly improved my relationships with others. The Enneagram is not about putting people in boxes or labeling them, but rather about understanding ourselves and others on a deeper level. It dives into WHY we do what we do- exploring our core motivations and intrinsic desires/fears.
I discovered this life-changing tool during Covid and I became obsessed with learning as much as I could about myself and the people I love. Four years later and I am still just as passionate about it, and I feel like I am still just scratching the surface of all there is to learn.
This May 2020 when I made my family all take the test on Mother’s Day.
I found out that just taking a test is not actually going to determine your number, but it’s a good first step in self-discovery. I love Suzanne Stabile’s books as a good starting point on the topic.
And this is April 2023 while on family vacation in Hawaii.
I have read every one of Suzanne Stabile’s books on the Enneagram, and highly recommend them. It’s all about being curious, open-minded. When you start to identify with a number or two, it will feel like she’s talking directly to you! So fascinating!
So what the heck is the enneagram?
Suzanne Stabile defines it as, “A tool to better understand yourself and those who share their lives with you. Growing in awareness as to why we struggle and discovering ways as to how we can promote our gifts, we can improve our relationships and promote community, patience, and tolerance.”
The Enneagram is an ancient personality typing system that identifies Nine Personality Types that are expressed individually and in relationship to others. Unlike other personality typologies, ‘the Enneagram acts as a unique tool for understanding and explaining human behavior, and the underlying motivations that drive behavior and the gifts we all have for the transformation of non-productive encounters with others.’ Suzanne Stabile
If you have had a 1:1 conversation with me in the past few years, I probably asked you if you’ve heard of this tool. Most of the time I am met with a quizzical look or maybe someone will say “I’ve heard of it, but never done it.” Every once in awhile I meet someone who is as curious and intrigued by it as myself and we can geek out together. If you fall into one of the first two categories (what the heck did you say or sounds familiar) this blog post is for you. I am by no means an expert, but I am a hobbyist and a lover/helper of others, so naturally, I love to share about this thing that has improved my life.
Three years ago, for my birthday a friend gifted me the book, The Road Back to You and I couldn’t wait to read it! My birthday is May 2 and Mothers’ Day is close behind, so as my Mother’s Day activity, I asked the family to join me in taking the online assessment (there are loads of free tests, but I recommend this one that is $12). After lots of eye rolls and heavy sighs, the family acquiesced and we all got to work. I don’t remember how long it took, but it’s a thorough test and lasted longer than my then-11 year old’s attention span. It wasn’t until much later that I realized Emily was probably too young for this exercise, but I’m glad she was open to it because she is now my most enthusiastic enneagram-loving family member. She has written book reports and done school projects on the topic. Insert proud/beaming emoji.
I was so excited to get my results and learn about everyone else’s numbers too. Luckily, the results get emailed to you right away. We printed out our papers and started to share. The Enneagram Institute test provides your scores for each number so you can see the comparisons. I actually ended up with a tie in my results as a 9, The Peacemaker, and as a 2, The Helper. This made me so curious to go dive into the book and read more.
Below are my personal results from the Enneagram Institute Assessment.
So, Enneaway, now to the good stuff….
Suzanne’s original book, The Road Back to You, is a great place to start. Actually, I recommend reading the book prior to taking the test. In this text, Suzanne starts with providing the overall framework of the Enneagram and then does a deep dive into each number, starting with numbers 8, 9 and then 1-7. I thought that was weird, but I now understand why. What I also originally thought of as a “deep dive” into each number, I now realize was actually just a pretty surface level overview. Little did I know that I was embarking on a new passion.
Here’s a tip - read the book in order! It’s so tempting to jump to whatever number you think you might be, but I urge you to read cover to cover. And here’s the hardest part - Try to keep an open mind as you do!
When I read the chapter about the Eight, I was shocked at how perfectly it described my dad. And not only was it spot on about him, it gave me a glimpse into his mind. My dad is The Challenger or The Leader through and through. Whether in his career as a military officer or in the home as my dad, he commanded respect and was a take-charge kind of guy. He’s often misunderstood and comes off really strong when his intentions are pure. I could hardly believe what I was reading. The insights I gained just from this chapter were huge and gave me so much grace for my dad.
Next I read about the Type Nine, which was one of my top two, according to the test. It was weird though, not much really resonated with me. But by the end of the chapter, I felt like I had been handed a handbook for getting to know and understand my sister. My sister and I are 6 years apart, so for most of my childhood, I resented her at worst (for taking my parents’ attention) and tolerated her at best (I was not a very nice sister). BUT for the past twenty years or so, we would both say we are each other’s best friends. Never until reading this chapter, did I really truly get why she does some of the things she does! It was fascinating!
Then, I hit the self-discovery jackpot….
I skimmed over the Type One, not really able to make a personal connection there. And still to this day, I only know of one Type One, my sister in law. But when I read even just the first few words of the Type Two description, I suddenly felt understood, validated, and shocked that there were other people like me in the world. It was an interesting juxtaposition of feeling completely exposed (like I was naked in front of a crowd of people and embarrassed because I wasn’t perfect and had flaws) but at the same time, I felt like I had been given a nice warm hug because I was now a part of a tribe of people who are wired like me.
By the end of the chapter, I was confident that this was my type and I was so excited to learn more. I was seeking understanding of why I do things, and what my core motivations are. I didn’t even know I had underlying fears, but boy, did I learn them and they were spot on! I am a helper - that is how I would describe myself in one word. I long to make an impact - to leave a mark - to improve someone else’s life.
The Two’s core desire is to be needed. My core fear is to be alone or unloved. So we give and give of ourselves to feel worthy of being loved and appreciated.
The book includes a quote at the beginning of each chapter and the one for the type Two took my breath away. At first, I tried to deny it. But the more I ruminated on it, I realized that it’s actually true. This is even hard for me to admit here, but the quote reads: “I want you to be happy, but I want to be the reason.”
Sad, but true. I want to help you so you will thank me. I thrive on appreciation. And prior to reading this book, I had no clue I wasn’t just helping to be nice.
Not everything about the typical two resonated with me - and that is normal! As humans, we are complicated beings and there are so many things from our life that mold and shape us. But for the most part, I could identify with the words written in this chapter and was so eager to keep learning.
My main motivation for researching this info about myself is:
1. So I can better understand myself and give myself grace and make improvements.
2. So I can relate to others better and improve my relationships.
3. So I can clearly identify where I need to create boundaries to protect myself.
Curious to learn more?
The more I learn about the Enneagram, the more I realize I still don’t know. There are Wings, Centers of Intelligence, Orientation to Time, Stress/Security, Subtypes, Social Styles, and Harmonic Groups. Just to name a few.
I am a 2 wing 3 with a social subtype. I’m oriented to the present time and I am in the heart triad. I use feeling and doing to navigate the world, but I have to really work hard to bring up logic/thinking.
If any of this sparks your interest, and you are curious to learn more, here are my top recommendations:
1. A great site to read / research / resonate: Enneagram Institute
2. If you want to take the assessment, I recommend the $12 one, not the free version. Test
3. No matter what your test results are, I then recommend reading this book by Ian Cron & Suzanne Stabile The Road Back to You
4. Listen to these podcasts:
I could write about this topic for days, so for now, I am going to sign off and call this just a little taste. Be on the lookout for a future blog posts on different Enneagram topics. If any of this resonates with you, or you start to get interested in this topic, please reach out. I’d love to have a conversation with you - and I’d love to understand you better too!